I Am Special

My name is Ben and I am five. Mummy says that I have a very special brain and that is why we were allowed to go on all the rides at Legoland without queuing. I think that I am all special, not just my brain. I have special eyes and ears and hair and even a special bottom that is extra good at trumping and that is why everybody loves me.

Well actually I don't think everybody loves me. The horrid shouty lady at the swimming pool this morning probably doesn't love me. I know this because when I pretended that my float was a missile and it landed near her head while she was swimming, she threw it back and shouted very loudly. She pulled a face that made her look like she had a stuck poo. Mummy tells me this face probably meant she was cross. Actually I thought I had been very clever to get it so close. Missiles are supposed to hit their target. I think she should have stood up and told me how well I had tried and that I should keep practising. Mummy always says 'practice makes perfect'.

The problem with being very special is that although I am probably the cleverest boy in my class, I don't really understand what people mean when they pull faces. I know that a smiley face means that they are happy. But even a smiley face isn't that straight forward. My mummy said that a smiley face can be happy or it can be sarcastic. Sarcastic is what people are being when they say something but don't really mean it. I call this telling lies. Smiling can also be what some people do when they are actually sad or cross but don't want people to know. Mummy does this a lot. She says 'paste on a smile'. I think this is silly because how are people like me supposed to understand what they are really thinking. This is also telling lies.

I have realised that grown-ups don't often really mean what they say. For example they tell you not to lie but they are always telling lies just like I already told you. They also say you shouldn't hurt each other, but grown ups do it all the time. I have seen it on the news. They also say that you shouldn't be scared of wasps but when I was at LegoLand I saw lots of mummies screaming and running away from them.

Grown ups think they are in charge but they are not very good at saying things that make them sound in charge. I usually think I know more than them about life and also about science because I love science. They are always telling me to be careful. What does be careful mean anyway? Be careful of what? Be careful I don't have a coronary embolism and die? This is where there is a blood clot in one of the vessels to the heart and it makes your heart die because your heart is a muscle and all muscles need a constant blood supply. I know this because I read it in the GSCE Biology Revise Guide that I borrowed from the library. Does 'be careful' mean don't slip over? Does it mean don't spill your drink? And even if it did mean any of those things - be careful where, when and for how long? Don't spill my drink on the table? On the floor? You see grown ups really don't talk like they are in charge.

I flap my arms. I do this when I am excited about something that I am watching. Like this morning when I was watching Daddy drink his apple juice I flapped my arms as I saw the apple juice disappear from the glass. Some people stare at me in a funny way when I do this. Sometimes children laugh and copy my flapping. I don't really understand this because a) you are supposed to laugh when something is funny and I can't see anything funny about me flapping my arms. If they knew why I was excited they wouldn't laugh, they would flap too. I also don't understand this because b) my mum says 'imitation is the highest form of flattery'. She explained that this meant when they copy me they are just jealous. This means that they would really really like to be more like me. This makes a lot of sense to me because I am cleverer than them and more special. Mummy keeps telling me that we are all special and all as important as each other. But I know that my brain is more special so I must be a little bit more special than them which is why they want to be like me.

So this morning I was excited about watching Daddy drink his apple juice because I was imagining he had a transparent body (this means you can see through it). I could see the juice splosh down his throat and I could see that sticky out bit in his throat move every time he swallowed. This is very exciting for me because my GCSE Biology Revise Guide told me that this caused the trachia to close blocking his lungs so the juice can travel down his oesophagus to his tummy without making him choke. I could see all this in my head and that is why I was flapping. The boys were jealous of me because they won't learn about this til they are teenagers. I think that will make them feel sad.

I don't want to say anymore at the moment.

From Ben Gorman
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