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I Cried Today

I cried today. As my first born made his miraculous entrance into my life and gasped his first breath. My heart was overwhelmed with a protective love and I marvelled at his perfection.

I cried today. When the loneliness of being a new mum became my reality. When my everyday became a monotonous turnover of feeds, sleeps and nappies. When the incessant and inconsolable cries of my baby became my new normality.

I cried today. I saw the health visitor with my concerns about his little quirks. She fobbed me off. ‘It’s perfectly normal for his age’ she said in her patronising manner. I was left feeling neurotic and helpless.

I cried today. When I started to think about how much easier it would be to go back to work. How at least then I’d get a break from the same old routine; how at least I’d feel like I was achieving something; I’d be someone.

I cried today. When the strain of parenting became too much and I snapped cruelly at my husband as he left for work. All day I wondered if I should phone to say sorry. But I was too proud and wasted the opportunity.

I cried today. When the nursery teacher pulled me to one side to tell me she had concerns about my son’s behaviour. She was telling me everything I already knew. It just hurt so much to hear it from someone else.

I cried today. As I looked up to God and begged for strength. He looked down on me and said ‘just trust me. I love you more than you know and I have it all sorted’.

I cried today. When the consultant confirmed his diagnosis in her everyday voice – as if she were diagnosing a cold. Yes Mrs Gorman, he has a life long, incurable condition called Aspergers and there’s not much we can do to help – off you go.

I cried today. As I watched my baby walk into the classroom on his first day of school. I felt like I was sending him to the lions’ den. On the outside I was smiling and waving; on the inside I was weeping – I just wanted to protect him from everything and everyone.

I cried today. He had another of his emotional meltdowns. This time he only hit me a few times and tried to strangle me. It took almost an hour but he calmed down eventually and life went on as if nothing had happened.

I cried today. As I walked into the head teacher’s office to chat to her about his ‘lates’ to school, I managed about 3 words before dissolving into tears. She must think I am such an idiot – a failing parent.

I cried today. As he proudly told me how his day had been; how he got full marks in his spelling test and how the head teacher had given him a certificate in assembly for his hard work in Maths. I told him how proud I am of him and he told me that I am his best friend.

I cried today. I know that every aspect of my life is in God’s hands including my boys. I cried as the enormity of God’s unfailing life, unending grace and faithfulness became my reality again. I cried in thankfulness to God for my amazing husband and my gorgeous boys and for God’s strength to be everything I need to be.

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