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I Cried Today
I cried today. As my first born made his miraculous entrance into my life and gasped his first breath. My heart was overwhelmed with a protective love and I marvelled at his perfection.
I cried today. When the loneliness of being a new mum became my reality. When my everyday became a monotonous turnover of feeds, sleeps and nappies. When the incessant and inconsolable cries of my baby became my new normality.
I cried today. I saw the health visitor with my concerns about his little quirks. She fobbed me off. ‘It’s perfectly normal for his age’ she said in her patronising manner. I was left feeling neurotic and helpless.
I cried today. When I started to think about how much easier it would be to go back to work. How at least then I’d get a break from the same old routine; how at least I’d feel like I was achieving something; I’d be someone.
I cried today. When the strain of parenting became too much and I snapped cruelly at my husband as he left for work. All day I wondered if I should phone to say sorry. But I was too proud and wasted the opportunity.
I cried today. When the nursery teacher pulled me to one side to tell me she had concerns about my son’s behaviour. She was telling me everything I already knew. It just hurt so much to hear it from someone else.
I cried today. As I looked up to God and begged for strength. He looked down on me and said ‘just trust me. I love you more than you know and I have it all sorted’.
I cried today. When the consultant confirmed his diagnosis in her everyday voice – as if she were diagnosing a cold. Yes Mrs Gorman, he has a life long, incurable condition called Aspergers and there’s not much we can do to help – off you go.
I cried today. As I watched my baby walk into the classroom on his first day of school. I felt like I was sending him to the lions’ den. On the outside I was smiling and waving; on the inside I was weeping – I just wanted to protect him from everything and everyone.
I cried today. He had another of his emotional meltdowns. This time he only hit me a few times and tried to strangle me. It took almost an hour but he calmed down eventually and life went on as if nothing had happened.
I cried today. As I walked into the head teacher’s office to chat to her about his ‘lates’ to school, I managed about 3 words before dissolving into tears. She must think I am such an idiot – a failing parent.
I cried today. As he proudly told me how his day had been; how he got full marks in his spelling test and how the head teacher had given him a certificate in assembly for his hard work in Maths. I told him how proud I am of him and he told me that I am his best friend.
I cried today. I know that every aspect of my life is in God’s hands including my boys. I cried as the enormity of God’s unfailing life, unending grace and faithfulness became my reality again. I cried in thankfulness to God for my amazing husband and my gorgeous boys and for God’s strength to be everything I need to be.
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Your faith seems identical to mine, when my Tom, I remember the utter grief, for once I had an idea what my mother must have gone tru when my younger sister was born with downs syndrome. One day just after getting the diagnosis, i remember saying outloud God is the greatest physician there is and the doctors are just human, so
I put my trust in God, and amazing things started happening, the day I found God completly I remember saying right God im fed up I dont what Im doing and you keep saying seek and you will find,so i said where are you, straight away a voice spoke through my heart(not head) a bit strange that – and he said you havent let go, you need to let go, and so I started to allow myself to be led. For me I Find Life is no easier, but there is an ultimate goal and a reason for everything.
Your story is beautiful just like you, and Ben, and
Hubby and the lamb chops xx
Ps never knew you had a blog its brill
This blew me away. Every line never fails to impact. Perhaps one day do a companion piece called I Smiled Today.
Too good.
I cried today too (just now!) and for the first time in such a long time as i read through this post. I have never read something that i can relate to in so many ways. The joy of having a son, the loneliness and reality of being a new mummy and the struggles of noticing quirks in my son that health visitors rudely dismissed like i was some silly young mother who was over reacting. My son is 10 and also has aspergers. The temper tantrums, the agression and the meltdowns when he finds that the world around him is just too much to cope with. Great post :) x
This has blown me away. Love your vulnerability and your strength….I’m so glad you were chosen to be his Mummy. May you never grow weary of doing good! Keep your eye on the prize, babe – you’re amazing. And touching more lives than you realise xxx
Wow what a beautiful blog. I cried too when I read it. All so poignant and thank you for sharing. x
Amazing. No way could anyone write such a wonderful piece straight from the heart and filled with so much love if they were a failing parent……not ashamed to say I cried today.
Thank you. You touched my heart xxx
Becky, I have been following your posts on Facebook for a while now and only just realised you had a blog. ‘I Cried Today’ brought tears to my eyes too; not really because of the fact that Ben is classed by some as ‘different’ (we are all different in some way or another – one of God’s brilliant ideas!), but because I often think how difficult life is and ‘why can’t things just get better….?’ Then I read this and am humbled by you unfailing faith in the Lord. I think my faith is so strong but your words remind me how often I doubt Him when I think I really trust Him completely. Thank-you for re-teaching me what a faithful God we have.
God bless you and all your family.