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9

Ok no problem, I'm doing just fine

Now most of you will have never had to experience the world of colonoscopies. This is basically where a perfect stranger has a completely normal conversation with you while leaning against your naked butt cheeks and thrusting a camera on a stick up it. If you are in the ‘my butt is still my own’ category I salute and envy you.

I sincerely hope this never becomes a reality for you. But please spare a thought for me – for whom this is a three-yearly torture in the name of health.

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0

When I'm An Old Lady

When I'm an old lady I'll have bright pink hair
I'll fart very loudly and really won't care

What others may think of my hair or my bowels
Or the fact that my whiskers stick out more when I scowl

Though scowls will be rare for the worries of youth
Will fade away fast along with my tooth

Talking of teeth, I'll not bother with that
And never again will I think I'm too fat

For each extra roll of blubber will be
Proof that my life was full and happy

I'll eat full fat butter and chew bacon rind
I'll even share if I'm feeling kind

When I was a teen my life was a mess
A battle of hormones, boys and school tests

My focus in life was my looks and my weight
I'd write down every mouthful I ate

The calorie content of every last bite
Determined if my day had gone right

I'd walk round the house trying to act tough
Inside i just wanted to be good enough

As an adult it was all about building my life
Getting married, children and being a good wife

Sometimes I did good, sometimes I did not
But I flippin well gave it my very best shot

I'll admit my two boys weren't the easiest
I just wanted for them the very best

Was I hiding behind the special needs label?
Or was their behaviour because I just wasn't able

To be the mum they needed me to be
To create the perfect family

When I'm am old lady, I'll have bright pink hair
I'll fart really loudly and really wont care

I'll write to the young me with wisdom because
I'll tell me that I was alright just as I was

I'll make sure I know all the things I have learnt
That love and acceptance are just there - they're not earned

That I didn't have to strive to be perfect
That despite cheap shampoo I am totally worth it

Now I look at my handsome boys - now grown
I remember the tears of love once sewn

I'll tell me about the men they've become
How incredibly proud I am to be their mum

Now that I'm old I'm not sure pink is quite right
Perhaps a little brash and slightly too bright

I'll stick to my God given colour instead
Maybe a slight tweak - maybe pillar box red

2

Ode to Twitter

Do you remember the days where the sun always shone?
And the grass looked good - for the weeds-there were none

Do you remember the days of family days out?
And nobody knew the meaning of klout

Do you remember talking to your children and wife?
Do you vaguely recall even having a life?

Do you miss the quality chats you once had
When you actually conversed with your mum or your dad?

Do you remember how your children sound?
Do you recall the last time you had friends around?

Do you remember the days of marital bliss?
Do you remember the last time you even kissed?

I don't mean that peck as you walk through the door
I mean full-on snog pinned down on the floor

Do you remember the days when the smile on your face
wasn't entirely based on your follower base?

Dont you think its odd how we're best friends with strangers?
But as children we were taught the grave dangers

And the tweets that once inspired you were the ones in the trees,
not the number of retweets you achieved in a week

Do you remember when Facebook took most of your time?
But now it's a chore to check your timeline

Do you feel out of control and all of a flitter?
When you're unable to check your precious twitter

Yes twitter has changed us for better for worse
Do you think they'll have it in my funeral hearse?

1

Firsts...

This is a significant blog post for me. Significant for two reasons: Firstly, I am writing this blog straight from my iPhone onto the word press app. Now I know seasoned bloggers probably do this all the time, but for me this is significant.

Second, this is a result of me being tagged in someone else's blog. Get me!!! I don't usually fit well in the blogging world. Too many confusing rules and socially acceptable ways of doing things. I am too scared of offending someone or making a mistake - so I usually just jolly along doing my own thing. The very pulchitrudinous @himupnorth has tagged me so I shall humbly comply.

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1

Understanding Changes Everything

I absolutely love Christmas. I love making my tree beautiful; I love baking the cookies that my children then give to all our neighbours; I love wrapping gifts and making them look stunning; I love carol-singing; I love making Christingles and I love opening my presents. And so I really really don’t have much time for people who openly moan about Christmas – you know the ones that start being negative as soon as the shops play Christmas music or seem to get cross when you give them a present.

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1

Snobbery, Tack and Last Minute Shopping

It's that time of year again. The time when I drag out the present box from under the bed to see what gems I can find that could be given away to save me a few quid this Christmas. The problem is my present box is filled with unwanted presents from the last ten years. I should really just throw them away; after all if they are too tacky for me to want to keep or use, then they are too tacky to give away.

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