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Life Observations

9

Ok no problem, I'm doing just fine

Now most of you will have never had to experience the world of colonoscopies. This is basically where a perfect stranger has a completely normal conversation with you while leaning against your naked butt cheeks and thrusting a camera on a stick up it. If you are in the ‘my butt is still my own’ category I salute and envy you.

I sincerely hope this never becomes a reality for you. But please spare a thought for me – for whom this is a three-yearly torture in the name of health.

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2

Ode to Twitter

Do you remember the days where the sun always shone?
And the grass looked good - for the weeds-there were none

Do you remember the days of family days out?
And nobody knew the meaning of klout

Do you remember talking to your children and wife?
Do you vaguely recall even having a life?

Do you miss the quality chats you once had
When you actually conversed with your mum or your dad?

Do you remember how your children sound?
Do you recall the last time you had friends around?

Do you remember the days of marital bliss?
Do you remember the last time you even kissed?

I don't mean that peck as you walk through the door
I mean full-on snog pinned down on the floor

Do you remember the days when the smile on your face
wasn't entirely based on your follower base?

Dont you think its odd how we're best friends with strangers?
But as children we were taught the grave dangers

And the tweets that once inspired you were the ones in the trees,
not the number of retweets you achieved in a week

Do you remember when Facebook took most of your time?
But now it's a chore to check your timeline

Do you feel out of control and all of a flitter?
When you're unable to check your precious twitter

Yes twitter has changed us for better for worse
Do you think they'll have it in my funeral hearse?

1

Understanding Changes Everything

I absolutely love Christmas. I love making my tree beautiful; I love baking the cookies that my children then give to all our neighbours; I love wrapping gifts and making them look stunning; I love carol-singing; I love making Christingles and I love opening my presents. And so I really really don’t have much time for people who openly moan about Christmas – you know the ones that start being negative as soon as the shops play Christmas music or seem to get cross when you give them a present.

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1

Snobbery, Tack and Last Minute Shopping

It's that time of year again. The time when I drag out the present box from under the bed to see what gems I can find that could be given away to save me a few quid this Christmas. The problem is my present box is filled with unwanted presents from the last ten years. I should really just throw them away; after all if they are too tacky for me to want to keep or use, then they are too tacky to give away.

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0

Things I wish I'd been taught at school

Assume everyone will love me.

Now I am not saying for a second that I think that wherever I go people will love me. But there is a great deal to be said for learning this one single social skill of assuming that whoever you will meet and speak to, you will naturally get on. I think the technically correct terminology for this is 'assume rapport' and it is a really powerful tool for going into new situations such as meetings or interviews or even parent/toddler groups with confidence. I always struggle with the advice that you should try and picture people naked when you have to give a talk or do an interview - I mean what the heck is that about? Why would I want to have that image in my head? So so much easier just to assume that the situation will be easy and relaxed; you will be a success and that you are an instantly likable person. I find that when you truly start acting like you believe this, it will actually start to become a reality.

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3

Conformity (and Pink Pancakes)

Is it just me and my slightly rebellious spirit - or are there are a lot of illogical rules 'out there' that people seem to follow mindlessly like conforming robots.

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